A Little Bit Lost

So I have found this year has gone by in a blur..... Let me start from the beginning and maybe it will explain why I am a little lost!

In July last year my sister who I was extremely close to, lost her battle with ovarian cancer at the age of 28, although we knew it was coming it didn't/hasn't made it any easier to deal with, especially as she has a 7 year old daughter. I spent a lot of my time at her house and now can't bare to step inside her house anymore.

I talk about her often, and think of her everyday - I want my boys to know and remember auntie Jen and the amazing person she was, they loved her so much and although they haven't shown it in any behavioural ways I know all the change has been strange for them, we used to spend practically every weekend at her house and they saw Courtney their cousin a lot more than they do now.

Routines have changed a lot this year and we now tend to spend more time at my mum and dads house which is still great for the us and the boys get to see nanny and granddad more, I don't in general openly talk about how I feel about it all and I usually save my tears for when I'm on my own, it's just something I've always done! I do worry it makes me look cold sometimes but I guess it's my coping mechanism.

The boys keep me busy most of the time but I find some days harder than others, Wednesdays I tend to struggle more as it's a day I spent with Jen as jasper didn't have preschool. I feel so lost without her and miss her terribly and I know people say it gets easier with time but it doesn't feel like it ever will I guess It's still pretty fresh and will take a lot longer than a year.

My two youngest boys have had chicken pox recently so I hadn't been able to get out much and In turn giving me more thinking time than I needed! I messaged my friends one morning after a pretty horrendous night so probably a bad time saying I was bored, bored with life, bored without my sister!
Obviously this was intensified by stress of not being able to make my poorly boys feel better but it's a feeling that's been brewing for a while.

I'm not bored with life I think that was the wrong choice of words as I should and I am grateful I am
here to make the most of it but I am still very much lost without my sister who was more than my sister she was my best friend an irreplaceable one.